I’m Too Selfish To Have Kids Right Now

WARNING: This post contains my views on children, of which are not positive, so if you're easily offended then this might not be the post for you.  However this post should also be read with humour, so if you wish to proceed then enjoy...

If you're married (without kids) or of a 'certain age' then no doubt you'll have been asked this question: 'Soooo, when are the babies coming?'.  There's no other question, ok other than 'where is your outfit from?' on Insta, that annoys me this much.  The issue that I have with this question and even with this thought in general is that it's just a given that every woman should want to have children, because after all it is why we were all put on this Earth (so wrong, in my opinion).  Some women are just born with that maternal instinct and that love and desire to have children, for me I have that but with dogs and other animals.  I have always bonded more intensely with animals than I have with humans and I'm sure this is something my therapist will dissect over our coming sessions but I'm quite happy that way.  I just have this issue with some people saying that having children is the sole purpose of a woman and without them you're just an empty shell of a person.  I had this one woman who used to comment on my YouTube videos and I actually blocked her because she got on my nerves so much by writing utter shite like this, but she would comment things like 'You are not whole without a child in your life' 'You are so shallow, you need to have children to understand what it is to be fulfilled in your life', sorry but that's absolute bollocks.  I dislike children most of the time and I'm sorry if that offends anyone but I have never warmed to them.  There are a few exceptions of course; friends and family who have little people of their own and the odd child that does something funny on the internet or is the face of a classic meme.  I would never choose to surround myself with children unless we're all enjoying the universal bond and sheer joy of Disneyland, Disneyworld, anything Disney related, in which case they get a free pass but otherwise I'd rather be with adults or animals (preferably animals).  Some might call me cold hearted and 'shallow' but that's quite a close minded opinion if you ask me, because the simple fact of the matter is that some women just don't want children and we're entitled to feel that way.  Is that the statement I'm making here with regards to myself?  Well yes, I guess right now it is...

At this very moment in time I don't have any desire to have children, I like my life as it is.  I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not having children in my life, in fact, I feel the opposite.  We have a nice home, it's not a child friendly home by any means.  I have candles burning everywhere (within reach of little hands), I have white walls, I have expensive bedding (one of the little luxuries I really enjoy), I have clean mirrors EVERYWHERE, I have plants EVERYWHERE, many of which are prickly and poisonous but damn they look good.  Now I'm not saying that it's not possible to have a nice and clean home with scented candles and plants if you have children but I hear (from actual mothers) it's serious hard work to maintain this unless you have help and some compromises must be made.  I also love my clothes (obviously), I wear a lot of neutrals and whites and I have some expensive clothes and handbags that I really wouldn't be overjoyed about if they got into the little hands of, a little person.  I'm not a fan of mess or clutter, it actually drives me mad, even with the dogs toys once they're done playing with them they have to be neatly stored in a corner, easily accessible of course but I don't just want them strewn all over the floor.  I love the ease of travelling as just one human being with just my own shit to carry and worry about.  I like faffing about deciding on a travel outfit the day before and having it hung neatly on the door, and having my carry on packed with precision with the necessities that I will need; about 15 different types of skincare products, an emergency Snickers, several different types of charging cables and not a bib or nappy in sight.

I'm going to slightly interrupt this blog post for a bit of story time because I know how much you guys love my stories.  We recently had the most horrific flight back from Turkey, the cause of which was two small children sat in the seats across the isle from us.  When it's a short haul flight and there are no premium seats I always book extra leg room seats, A) Because I need the extra legroom and B) they're usually emergency exit seats and children can't sit in those, so if I position myself in the middle of a row of emergency exit seats that at least gives me a guaranteed row either side where there can be no children.  However as it turns out on this flight our extra legroom seats were right at the front of plane, row 1, they have no emergency exit to operate unlike the wing seats.  We boarded the plane, took our seats and relaxed...until the last four passengers made their appearance.  It didn't take me long to put 2 + 2 together when I looked at the dishevelled family of four and then at the opposite side of row 1 which was completely vacant.  Can you picture my face at this point?  I'm terrible with knowing the age of children but I'd hazard a guess that there was an 18 month old and a 3 year old toddler, both of which were already screaming.  It was an evening flight (boarding at 9pm) and we were already delayed by half an hour so the crew were eager to get everyone seated and get in the air.  This family, of 4, had between them 10 pieces of hand baggage, baring in mind that 2 members of the family probably couldn't even lift a bag of sugar.  Where on earth were all these bags going to go?  Of course, it was obvious, they were going to rammed in our overhead locker where our £5k+ worth of camera equipment was, duh.  There was of course screaming during take-off but I am a little sympathetic during that time because it's not a nice feeling with the pressure.  The problem I had was the 4 hours of non-stop (zero exaggeration) screaming that followed and that was just the baby.  The toddler was allowed to jump up and down on the seat like a trampoline whilst pressing the flight attendant button. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.  I can still hear the ding ringing in my ears.  Dad was knackered, he pretty much looked like he wanted to use the emergency exit from the moment he boarded the plane, half an hour into the flight and he was asleep, how lovely for him.  Mum meanwhile was left juggling the screaming baby and the bouncing, dinging toddler.  Time for snacks.  Of course, snacks should always be the answer to make kids behave.  Out came the Mikado, I remember thinking it was an unusual choice of snack for children of that age but hey I was all game for this plan to work.  Spoiler alert, it didn't.  It created mess, it created choking, loud choking and it created streamlined objects (like darts coated in chocolate) which could be fired at unsuspecting passengers.  Now I don't know if you've ever tried Mikado sticks before but that's just a damn waste of a good snack.  Again, picture my face.  I occasionally let my muscles loosen from the clenched state they were in to glance around the seats behind me.  Naturally any passengers without children looked as bothered as I was but what surprised me was even other mothers with children looked pissed off.  One women about 6 rows back made eye contact with me and just mouthed 'I'm Sorry'.  3 hours in and I'd passed into a new realm of irritation that I'd never experienced before and I thought, this couldn't get any worse...and yet somehow, it did.  The Captain came on the tannoy and I could just make out (over the incessant screaming) that he announced we would soon be starting our decent into London Stanstead, there would be about half an hour before the seatbelt signs were turned on so make sure you go to the loo and get organised etc etc.  I glanced to my left to look at 'them' and something was happening, I wasn't sure what as there had been a lot of rummaging, foraging and moving around during this flight but something was about to go down.  Bags were being moved around, another bag had been brought down from the overhead locker, and Dad had even been woken up and now had hold of the deafening devil baby.  After all the re-organising had happened there was one biggish bag which had been left out, it was now occupying Mum's seat, the isle seat.  The toddler was still bouncing around on the middle seat and Dad, well, it looked like he'd gone off to his happy place over in the window seat.  Mum did some further rummaging in the ominous looking bag and then hoisted up her leggings, she meant business, but what 'business'?  The only business there is with two small children, the brown kind.  What I'm about to describe to you is something which I have never witnessed before, and I'm not even sure of the procedure of changing nappies on a plane but I would have assumed that it is done in the toilet, the one which has the mother & baby sign on it.  I might be wrong of course but when I noticed that all the nappy changing essentials were being laid across the seats in preparation I realised that they weren't going anywhere.  I looked around again at the seats behind to see if anyone else had twigged what was about to happen, they had and the facial expressions were priceless.  Before we all knew it the stench of warm shite filled the plane and I didn't think that family were going to make it off that plane alive as there was now an angry mob of drunken scousers forming at the back of the plane, at THE BACK!  They didn't even know the pain!  All hands were reaching for the blowers on the overhead panels but it just circulated more shite tainted air into your face, there was no escape.  Half an hour until landing, seat belt signs turned on and Mum had only just started changing child number 2, the toddler, who was now also screaming at the top of his lungs because clearly this had not been an enjoyable experience for him.  Zero sympathy from me son.  With only 10 minutes until landing Mum finally finished the shit show and took her seat.  I'd clearly missed something because somewhere in the mayhem of the nappy changing saga Mum and Dad had had a serious fall out, they looked on the brink of divorce and to be honest I didn't blame them.  The wheels touched down on the tarmac and I swear I heard one giant sigh of relief from everyone sat behind us.  Mum had baby strapped to her with the baby seat belt but Dad had already started rummaging around to get their crap in order so they could make a swift exit.  A tense exchange of words happened between the couple as Mum leant down to pick up her handbag and then, just to finish her, him and everyone else on that flight off, the spawn of satan projectile vomited all down her back and on onto her seat.
I have never disembarked a plane with such speed in all my life, nor have I ever felt such a disconnect from wanting a child in my life.